BLARGH. I need to vent.

I have skipped all of my classes yesterday and today. I have no real reason for doing this except that I am a lazy piece of shit who is also possibly depressed (I am using the fact that my grandfather passed away this weekend as an excuse but it's not the reason I'm upset— he had been sick for a long time and he was very old and we were never all that close).

I hate my fucking apartment. All I want is a house in the country and I live in the crappiest part of town right next to the highway. I live above a chain smoker and everything smells like cheap cigars constantly. The air quality is terrible and no matter how often I clean everything gets coated with this fine black film— so I've pretty much given up trying to deep clean and the grime only serves to make me more depressed. And I am way too broke to live anywhere else.

I hate college. I am old for an undergrad and I at this point I am so disillusioned with the whole thing that I kind of hate myself for continuing to do it. Sure I'm learning some things, but I am also losing all faith in my own intelligence and creativity and almost losing my mind with stress. I don't believe in the collegiate system, in fact I would say that I am ethically and intellectually opposed to it; so I can't help but feel like a hypocrite for continuing to buy into it.

I am the only one of my friends still in school, and I'm so burned out from it that I almost never want to hang out. I don't binge drink anymore either (no liquor for this gal) so I don't necessarily want to do the things my friends want to do— i.e. go out and get shitfaced and dance until 3am. Which means I spend a lot of time alone, watching shitty TV in my shitty apartment while the toxic air slowly kills me (at least my flair for the dramatic is still intact).

I just hate feeling like I'm in limbo. All I want is a house in the country with a porch and a garden and a place to put all of my books, where I can breathe clean air and get my hands dirty and feel alive again. I'm so tired of killing time doing what everyone else wants me to do (namely get a degree), I'm so tired of being broke and stressed and lonely.

TL;DR I hate college and my apartment and I've barely left my bed for two days because I am filled with ennui.